The tracks of my tears

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Now playing: Adam Lambert - Tracks Of My Tears (Live)
via FoxyTunes
People say I'm the life of the party
Because I tell a joke or two
Although I might be laughing loud and hearty
Deep inside I'm blue
So take a good look at my face
You'll see my smile looks out of place
If you look closer, it's easy to trace
the tracks of my tears.

Outside I'm masquerading
Inside my hope is fading
Just a clown
Since you put me down
My smile is my make up
I wear since my break up with you..
So take a good look at my face
You'll see my smile looks out of place
If you look closer, it's easy to trace
The tracks of my tears..

I need you, I need you..

--Smokey Robinson as interpreted

by Adam Lambert of American Idol S.8

(clown painting from Flickr photos)

In his file video with Smokey Robinson. Adam lambert asked what was the inspiration behind this song. He said, "...I thought about, what if a person had cried so much that if you look close up to them until you see the tears and the tracks on their face..."

We just came, from chief's funeral. I really could not help but cry, when his wife said that chief was really concern whenever the staff were being scolded. Every time our boss disparages anyone at the branch. His wife even went on telling how chief was striving to always be extra nice to all clients of the unit. He said he wants the unit to have more clients. He was also concern on how to help the staff in dealing with the boss. It was really heart-breaking to hear those things. Personally, he was very kind and helpful. He would really do that extra mile for you, even if he's not feeling well. He usually helps me carry the bag.

The man with the bike , An ode to chief.

"Bowed by the weight of centuries he leans
Upon his hoe and gazes on the ground,
The emptiness of ages in his face,
And on his back the burden of the world.
Who made him dead to rapture and despair,
A thing that grieves not and that never hopes,
Stolid and stunned, a brother to the ox?
Who loosened and let down this brutal jaw?
Whose was the hand that slanted back this brow?
Whose breath blew out the light within this brain?"

- -From Edwin Markham's The man with the Hoe inspired by Millet’s painting, Man with a Hoe of 1860-2

Imagine. Everyday starting at 5:30am you struggle to get out of bed to eat breakfast, to brush your teeth, to take a bath, to try to figure out what to wear, to be frustrated with the LRT, to run for the 8:15am bundy clock, to hide at the pantry so that you boss tralala won't see you, then to get at the armored car, then start your tough regular tellering work, then be pissed when your boss wants to "be" with you at the office while she struggle to figure out what to do...TOUGH work!

But, imagine not having to have eaten at all not because you're on a diet, but because you don't have enough money to eat. With a meager/delayed salary, you'd rather save it for your family. Also, everyday, you use your bike to go to work from Antipolo to Pasay...save on gas...save money...

This is what chief does every single day and every night. Until that fateful night. when he can no longer pedal his bike. He was found near the Pasig river, still holding his beloved bike. He was not even able to get home, to his family.

We call him chief. As in chief of the security, being the senior and all. he supervises the security/safety measures of the unit. He's almost 60 years old. He was suppose to retire this end of month. Retire he did, that Monday night...

Hiden Byuti and Ugli Beti

Consider a teller with glasses, bad skin, bad hair...

Not something you'd expect...
Yeah, that's right, kinda "ugly betty-ish", as in THE stereotypical
ugly, you-know-who!

(Well, how about that for a first blog entry for 2009!)
These past few weeks my immediate supervisor
is growing an obsession on me...In vernacular she's "nang gi gigil".
I don't know how to translate it!
She's been saying that I have hidden beauty.
and here's the big IF. As in, she said, if only I change my looks...
You see, even though my mom would probably
insist that I'm pretty considering my pimple-stricken, acne scarred face,
plus the glasses and the frizzy hair and unruly brows,
I don't think a lot of people would agree with her! Also, my boss hates it when my hair is down.
And just this morning I decided to cut it a bit short.
I'm fine with that...
I've accepted it as a matter fact!.
One client told me: "Siguro kaya nagkaganyan ang mukha mo dahil sa boyfriend mo, noh?"
another one even said: "Siya na lang pala ang single sa inyo, pero parang mas may asawa na sya?"
I also remember, back in College when my friend said something about my poke marked face
just to get back at me.

...My skin is not just acne scarred it has also grown thick
with those kind of comments...

Although at times I would think, yeah IF only my face did not scar from pimples.
If only my vision was a lot better, If only I could look people in the eye a lot more
and not be afraid that they probably think I'm ugly as can be...
Also, my officemate has been saying the same thing. They said they will
fully support me in doing an extreme makeover...Which also reminds me
of a reality TV Show where some selected people get to have a free full
cosmetic surgery...

I kinda understand them, I mean they probably cannot stand having me around.
They're face are clear, my boss evven if she's old she's got great skin.
I tell myself that I'm not affected anymore by criticisms like that.
It's my fault, I have bad genes. We didn't have money before to go to the doctor
whenever I get to have breakouts, and my mom pointed me to an aesthetician, who aggravated my situation and then came the deep scars, which were not just physical.

I don't really know what to come of it...
I'm really sorry.
I can't seem to write anything without ranting.

People may find my dilemma petty. Because, I'm sure there a lot of bigger problems
in the country, in our world today than my poke-marked face.

Well, everything happens for a reason.
And, this is probably the universe's way of molding me...
Through my pain, I am reminded to be tactful and careful with other people's
feelings...Through this, I am reminded to be compassionate with other people
who's got the same situation as I am or probably worse...
I just hope that I will be able to find a way for me to
express myself a lot better, without being shy about my face.
I am struggling, but I'm trying, everyday...

Also, didn't the original story of Betty La Fea (Ugly Betty) ended
with something positive...



P.S.
My dermatologist said that I take this drug. But it's got side-effects. If you get pregnant while with the medication your child will definitely have birth defects. Also, it has some liver side-effects and severe dryness of skin will also result. So he said I should first take some series of blood test and pregnancy test just to make sure. Then he'll have me with this drug. I researched about the drug. 69-75% acne remision with just 16-20 weeks of taking it.